Autolycus: The Series: "Cankerblossom"
by OmarSnake
Summary: Autolycus finds himself pursued... in a good way. Xena and Gabrielle guest star.


LINER NOTE: This series follows the adventures of Autolycus, the King of Thieves, and Muran, a young Chinese bandit who he has reluctantly taken under his wing, as they travel the ancient world looking for treasures to steal and trouble to get into….  
  
  
  
TEASER  
  
FADE IN  
  
A temple of Aphrodite. Women gather before a foot-tall statuette of Aphrodite, bowing and presenting offerings of fruit and jewels.  
  
"I pray to you, o goddess of love," says a dark-skinned woman with flowing black hair, "bring out husbands back safely from the war. Protect them..."  
  
"And don't let them stray with camp-followers," adds a woman with greying brown hair and deep blue eyes.  
  
Beside the statuette, Aphrodite materializes in a burst of light. They do not see her.  
  
"Always the same," she gripes. "Give me this, give me that, make him faithful... honey, if you knew how to keep him happy, that wouldn't be a prob--" she cuts off, looking at one woman in the back of the crowd who has a veil over her face and is clad in many layers of garments. She walks through the group of women and eyes this one suspiciously. A door opens and a serenely beautiful woman in her mid to late 40s walks in. She has curly blonde hair and flowing robes. "All right, ladies. We must close the temple for cleaning. The next prayers will be in two hours."  
  
"Yes, priestess," "Thank you priestess," the women say as they mill out the door.  
  
The priestess takes one last look around and shuts the door.  
  
The veiled woman is still there, having hid behind the door. She steps forward and removes the veil, revealing a mustache and goatee... "She" is actually Autolycus, the King of Thieves.  
  
He clasps his hands together and laughs. "Oh, this is TOO easy!" he says as he bends down to pick the jewelry out from among the fruit in the offering bowls.  
  
Aphrodite gasps with indignation. "You big JERK!"  
  
He steps up the the pedestal that holds the statuette of Aphrodite and examines it. "Pretty," he says non-chalantly.  
  
"Only PRETTY???" Aphrodite cries.  
  
"Not quite up to that exotic dancer I met in Thebes last year, but..." he picks up the statuette and admires it. Aphrodite disappears from where she was at the far end of the room and re-materializes right next to him. "I can get a few dinars for you, at any rate," he finishes, before stuffing the statuette in a sack along with the jewelry.  
  
"THAT DOES IT!!!" Aphrodite roars. "I'll teach you a lesson, you... you worm!" She pauses, contemplating. "No, I did that to that philandering fisherman in Spyridon last week. Something new, something new.... Ah!" Autolycus throws the veil back over his face. "This is almost no fun, but I'll have to make do."  
  
Behind him, Aphrodite casts a spell. "Think you can take the heat, big boy?," she says before disappearing in a burst of light.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Outside the temple. Autolycus emerges, disguised as a woman, and tries to discreetly scurry away. The priestess, sweeping the front steps of the temple, notices her and yells "You! Stop! What were you doing in there?" Five acolytes, all of whom are women (a redhead with an especially ample bosom, an elegant black woman, a short, busty blonde, a lanky brunette, and a chubby but cute girl of about age 14 with golden locks), look up from the cleaning they are doing around the temple front.  
  
Autolycus quickly tries (rather miserably) to put on a female voice: "I was just... uh... lost in prayer..."  
  
The priestess reaches out and pulls the veil away. Autolycus tries to hide his facial hair, and keeps using the pathetic attempt at a female voice: "Uh... I... uh... have a glandular condition that...."  
  
The priestess kisses him passionately on the lips. The acolytes crowd around, each trying to get her turn at him as well.  
  
FADE OUT.  
  
OPENING CREDITS.  
  
  
  
ACT ONE  
  
FADE IN  
  
TITLE CARD: "CANKERBLOSSOM"  
  
SPECIAL GUEST STAR LUCY LAWLESS AS XENA  
  
SPECIAL GUEST STAR RENEE O'CONNOR AS GABRIELLE  
  
Muran sits in a tavern, nibbling on the last of an enormous plate of ribs. She looks up as Autolycus hurries in.  
  
"What was so secret that you couldn't bring me along?" she asks.  
  
"No time to explain, kid," he says, out of breath. "Something strange---"  
  
Behind him, the door to the tavern flings open. The priestess, the five acolytes, and a few other women race in. "There he is!" cries the redheaded acolyte.  
  
"Ladies, you have me mistaken for someone else..."  
  
At the bar, two serving wenches drop their trays. A female patron stands at her table, to the confusion of the man she is with. All three join the mob of women crowding around Autolycus. Muran watches, confused, as he disappears in the swirling crowd.  
  
"I got his sleeve" one cries. "I got his other sleeve!" says another. "I've got his mustache!" a third says. "Yeooowch!!" Autolycus's voice cries out. A hand reaches up from in the midst of the crowd. Autolycus's grappling hook fires up into the rafters of the tavern, and he swings up out of "harm"s' way. His clothes are torn, the sleeves and collar of his coat are missing, his hair is mussed up and he has lipstick stains around his face and neck.  
  
The women mill around below, staring up at him like a pack of starving wolves.  
  
"I'm flattered, truly, but... hey, kid! Get the horse and meet me back at..." he pauses, looking down to the crowd listening attentively... "Where we were this morning!" He dives out a high window.  
  
Several women run out the door and try to catch him. The redheaded acolyte approaches Muran. The woman has sparkling green eyes and a mischievous smile. "What's his name?" she asks.  
  
"Autolycus," Muran replies, still shell-shocked at what has happened.  
  
"Autolycus," the redhead repeats dreamily.  
  
Muran pays the barkeep and heads out the door. In the distance, women race along the edges of the forest. "I saw him swing that way!" one yells. "He's so agile!" another yells admiringly.  
  
Muran walks to the post where a dark brown horse with a white streak on its nose and white markings near its hooves stands patiently. "Hi, boy, how're you doing?" she says, stroking its fur before she starts to undo the rope that holds it. She looks over her shoulder. Three of the acolytes--- the redhead, the black woman, and the short blonde --- are following her, as is a trashily pretty brunette barmaid.  
  
"Oh, no you don't," Muran says, leaping on top of the horse."Go!"  
  
The horse races off, the four women chasing after as best they can, but to no avail.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
An inn. Muran runs through the door and spies the innkeeper, a grizzled old woman in her 80s.  
  
"Did you see my friend come back here?" She asks.  
  
"He ran in a minute ago. Said a mob of women were chasing him. Went upstairs."  
  
"Thanks," Muran says, running up the stairs. She throws open the door to the room they had rented. He is nowhere to be seen. She looks under one of the beds and sees him hiding there.  
  
"Now... what's going on?"  
  
"Those women," Autolycus says, moving out from under the bed and glancing cautiously out the windows. "They were after me."  
  
"I noticed. Have you visited this village before?" Muran asks. "Maybe they're upset with you for sneaking out of town last time you were here..." "Never been here before," Autolycus says. "It's like they suddenly.... couldn't resist me."  
  
"And this is a problem?"  
  
"Before tonight, I wouldn't have thought so. But after the last hour..."  
  
"Are they under a spell or something?"  
  
Autolycus reaches into the sack. "Well, I DID just steal this," he says, holding up the statuette. "Maybe it has mystical properties."  
  
Muran looks at it and her brow furrows. "You mean you left me in the tavern so you could rob a temple?" she says angrily. "You didn't think to bring me along and show me how it's done?"  
  
"Defilements come later in your lessons, kid." He paces around the room.  
  
The door busts open. The four women who were trying to follow Muran stand there.  
  
"There you are, Autolycus!" the redhead calls out, grabbing for him.  
  
"Get out of the way, Daphne!" The black woman yells, trying to push her aside. "He clearly wants me!"  
  
"He does not, Kessie! He's been eyeing me all along..."  
  
"I saw him first!" The short blonde says, pouting.  
  
Autolycus stumbles back and grabs the statuette, throwing it to Daphne. She catches it and stares down at it, confused. "There, catch HER now," he tells the other three women.  
  
Daphne drops the statuette and all four women race to Autolycus.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
The lobby of the inn. Autolycus is spread out on a couch, his feet up on an endtable. The short blonde has a sponge and is washing his feet. Kessie is feeding him grapes. The trashy brunette is fanning him. Daphne plays a lute, singing a lilting tune:  
  
"So suave, and handsome, and daring,  
  
Yet so gentle, sweet and caring,  
  
The world's treasures he retrieves,  
  
He's Autolycus, the King of Thieves!"  
  
"You know," Autolycus says, taking a sip of wine offered by Kessie, "I could get used to this, after all."  
  
To the side, Muran and the elderly innkeeper watch this glumly. "I don't understand," Muran says. "Why is it every woman in this village is chasing him except me and you?"  
  
"You're not a woman, you're just a little girl," The old woman cackles. "As for me... I don't know, he's just not my type. I like 'em more like that short blond-haired guy in the purple vest who came in here last week..." Kessie playfully stuffs a whole bunch of grapes into Autolycus's mouth, giggling as he chews them.  
  
The front door of the inn swings open, causing Autolycus to sit up. Xena, the warrior princess, strides confidently in, followed by Gabrielle.  
  
"Do you have any rooms for the night?" Xena asks the innkeeper.  
  
"Uh, Xena?" Gabrielle says, tapping her on the shoulder. "We're not alone." Xena turns around and sees Autolycus, surrounded by the four lovely maidens.  
  
"Autolycus?" She pauses, glancing around suspiciously. "Oh no, this isn't one of THOSE kind of houses, is it?"  
  
"Mrr-mph!" Autolycus starts before realizing his mouth is still full of grapes.  
  
"This is a respectable business!" The innkeeper says indignantly. "Yes, we have rooms. Fifteen dinars a night..."  
  
Xena signs the guest scroll and turns back to Autolycus. "So, what's going on here?" she says in a wry tone, arching an eyebrow. "Starting your own fan club?"  
  
Autolycus swallows. "No, no. It's just that these women have fallen head over heels in love with me." Xena walks closer.  
  
"But." Autolycus continues, "you seem to be immune to---"  
  
Xena takes Autolycus by what's left of the collar of his jacket, pulls him close, and kisses him... hard.  
  
Gabrielle pulls her back, and Autolycus catches his breath. "Xena, what are you doing?" she demands, then pulls Autolycus to her bosom. "He's mine!"  
  
"Like Hades he is!" Daphne yells, rising and lifting her lute as if it were a club.  
  
"He's been lusting after me since the day we met!" Xena yells back.  
  
Daphne swings the lute, which Xena smashes to bits with a karate-like chop.  
  
Autolycus steps in to try and stop the brewing fight, and gets a kick in the face from Xena, and falls backwards.  
  
All the women run to comfort him. Autolycus is still conscious, but dazed.  
  
"I'm so sorry!" Xena says. "I meant to kick this tramp, not you!"  
  
"Tramp?" Daphne replies angrily. "Who's the leather queen here?"  
  
As the women argue back and forth, Muran rubs her temples. "I'm getting a headache...."  
  
FADE OUT.  
  
ACT TWO  
  
FADE IN  
  
A hallway. It is dark. A figure sneaks along, toward a door. As a hand reaches out to turn the door knob, the tinkling sound of a small bell rings out.  
  
A light comes on from a lantern. Muran, camped out next to Autolycus's door, holds it up to see who was trying to sneak in. It is Gabrielle.  
  
"Oh... hi," Gabrielle says guiltily, forcing a smile. "I was just going to... see if Autolycus was thirsty..."  
  
"Back to your room," Muran demands. Behind her head, we see that she has tied bells on the door knob. "No one gets in until we figure out what's happened."  
  
"But... I thought I heard him coughing..."  
  
"Back to your room," Muran repeats.  
  
Gabrielle turns and sulks away.  
  
Muran sighs. "Third time tonight," she mutters.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Inside Autolycus's room. He lies on the bed, snoring softly. The window is open. Suddenly, a rope descends past the window and Xena shimmies down it. She quietly climbs in the window and sneaks over to the bed. She is wearing nothing but a nightshirt.  
  
She climbs on the bed gently, watching Autolycus snore. He starts to wake, and she stops, standing still for a few seconds until his snores resume. She straddles Autolycus and kisses him.  
  
His eyes snap open. Xena sits back, smiling lecherously.  
  
"Xena? How'd you get in here?" he whispers.  
  
"I have my ways," she says, forcing another kiss.  
  
Autolycus pulls back. "Look, I'm flattered. And tempted. Very, very tempted, in fact."  
  
Xena starts to undo the top buttons on her nightshirt. His eyes almost bulge.  
  
"B-but," he tries to continue, "There's some kind of spell on me or something. And once it's lifted, you'd kill me if we did anything."  
  
"I'd forgive you," she purrs, continuing to unbutton her shirt.  
  
"Would you sign a document to that effect-- what am I saying?" He rubs his temple. "I can't believe I'm about to do this... Muran!!!"  
  
The door opens. Muran holds up the lantern. Xena pulls her shirt, which was almost completely unbuttoned, together.  
  
"Shame on you!" Muran says indignantly. "Get out of here!"  
  
Xena looks at Autolycus, almost pouting. "You don't know what you're missing..." she says as she climbs out of the bed and walks out of the room.  
  
"I have a pretty good idea," Autolycus mumbles. "Whoa."  
  
Muran glances around the room suspiciously before shutting the door.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Morning. A pond next to the inn. Xena and Gabrielle are bathing.  
  
"The cold water has helped me clear my head," Xena says. "I can't understand what was going on last night."  
  
"We have run into something like this before," Gabrielle says. "Cupid might have..."  
  
"No," Xena says. "He'd have to be here still, shooting his love-arrows at every woman who comes near Autolycus. Cupid doesn't have that big an attention span. This is something different."  
  
Muran comes out with towels. "Here ya go," she says.  
  
Xena and Gabrielle dry themselves off.  
  
"Thanks... Muran, is it?" Xena says. "Look, I'm sorry about last night---"  
  
"No prob," Muran replies. "It was a crazy night."  
  
Gabrielle wraps a towel around herself. "I think I'll go in and check on, uh, breakfast..."  
  
Xena stops her. "Not so fast."  
  
"I thought the spell had worn off," Muran whines.  
  
"Afraid not," Xena says. "We can resist it better after a cold bath, but still... all I can think of is how handsome he looked laying underneath me.... his chest rising lightly as he breathed..." Xena turns and splashes cold water on her face. "That's better," she sighs.  
  
"What happened to those other women?" Gabrielle asks.  
  
"I told them Autolycus was doing his morning exercises in the cellar. They went down there, and I locked the door." Muran says. "Dirty trick, but it was too hard to keep track of the four of them and the two of you."  
  
"We'll be on our way soon," Xena says. "We heard about some sightings of an old enemy of mine, Callisto, in this region."  
  
"I heard something about a battle between local soldiers and Amazons over some farmlands," Muran offers.  
  
"Think she might be working on one side or the other?"  
  
"The only side Callisto cares about is her own," Xena says coldly.  
  
"Look, someone in town may know something about your problem," Muran offers. "I have to go there anyhow, to talk with the priestess at the temple of Aphrodite. This all started after Autolycus stole some jewels and a statue from there."  
  
Gabrielle rolls her eyes. "That incorrigible.... when will he learn not to steal from the gods?"  
  
"When they run out of artifacts that he CAN steal," Xena replies with a smirk.  
  
Muran pokes her head into the kitchen of the inn. The innkeeper is preparing pies.  
  
"Can you keep an eye on Autolycus while I'm gone?" Muran asks. "I don't want him wandering off and getting into trouble."  
  
"Consider it done," the innkeeper says, never looking up from her work.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Muran is riding her horse; Xena is riding on Argo and Gabrielle is walking along beside them.  
  
"Nice horse," Gabrielle offers. "What's his name?"  
  
"Haley," Muran says. "He was a gift from a princess Autolycus and I helped recently. Autolycus doesn't like the name, but every time he comes up with a suggestion, Haley disagrees."  
  
"You're kidding," Gabrielle says.  
  
Muran leans in to the horse's ear. "How about Thunderbolt?"  
  
The horse whinnies angrily.  
  
Gabrielle grins.  
  
"This is all well and good," Xena interrupts, "but I have to know... Why are you travelling with Autolycus? You're too young for a life of crime, and he's not the most stable influence..."  
  
Muran shrugs. "I've been a vagrant thief as long as I can remember. Times are tough. But Autolycus has promised to help me find my mom. Anyhow, he's not so bad. He's kind of overly-protective, and I hate the way he calls me 'kid' all the time, but..."  
  
"He's a good soul," Xena says. "And on the bright side, maybe taking care of you will make him more mature and responsible."  
  
After a momentary pause to reflect on this notion, all three break into laughter.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
The inn. Autolycus strolls through the kitchen. "Smells good," he says, looking over the innkeeper's shoulder. "Mind if I help? I'm going stir- crazy, and it's too dangerous for me to go outside."  
  
She looks back, annoyed, then smiles. "Yes, but I need more flour, and my back is so sore from carrying the heavy sacks from the cellar."  
  
"Say no more, dear lady. I'll get it for you."  
  
The innkeeper smiles warmly as she leads him to the cellar door, taking the bolt off the door and letting him head down the steps.  
  
From below, we hear Daphne say "THERE you are!"  
  
"We've been so LONELY!" Kessie's voice calls out.  
  
"Hold on... hey, not so hard!" Autolycus cries, followed by muffled noises.  
  
The innkeeper bolts the door and returns to her cooking. "No one interrupts me in the kitchen," she says with a mean little smirk. "And now I don't have to keep an eye on you."  
  
FADE OUT  
  
ACT THREE  
  
FADE IN  
  
The temple.  
  
"Do you know where he is???" The priestess says excitedly. Two acolytes-- the lanky brunette and the pudgy golden-haired girl--- mill around, trying to listen in without being too obvious about it.  
  
"No," Muran lies, "but I brought these back." She offers the jewels and the statuette. The priestess looks down at them with mild interest.  
  
"But do you maybe have a CLUE where he is?" she asks.  
  
"Look," Muran says, gritting her teeth, "I think YOUR goddess cast some sort of spell that's made him irresistable to women. Can you help get this spell broken or not?"  
  
"Silly child. I would KNOW if I was under a spell. It's nothing like that. Your friend is just... gorgeous!"  
  
"And handsome!" The brunette adds.  
  
"And that mustache! Oooooh!" The golden-haired girl says, shivering with delight.  
  
Muran rolls her eyes and walks out of the temple. Xena and Gabrielle sit on the steps outside.  
  
"No luck?" Xena asks.  
  
"None. They're as smitten as they were yesterday. Why hasn't it worn off of them the way it did you?"  
  
"It hasn't worn off us," Xena says. "But we've got strong willpower, and a little frustration can help focus your anger in a fight."  
  
"You have any luck finding out more about that Callisto woman?"  
  
"Maybe," Xena says. "It sounds like she IS working with the Amazons, after all. Their camp is about three hours from here, if we hurry. We've had a lot of experience with Amazons, but that may work against us. If they recognize us..." she turns to Muran. "Are you a good actress?"  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Muran wanders through an Amazon camp, trying not to stand out. Xena and Gabrielle watch from a distant tree. The sun is about to set.  
  
"And you were worried about Autolycus endangering this girl?" Gabrielle whispers.  
  
"She's in no danger," Xena replies evenly. "The Amazons wouldn't hurt an underage girl. Anyhow, first sign of trouble, we're in there. All we need her to do is spy a little, and as a thief she knows how to do that pretty well."  
  
Gabrielle frowns. "Sounds reasonable. But could it be that the spell is subconsciously causing you to endanger Muran since you're jealous because he cares strongly for her?"  
  
"Let's hope not," Xena says quietly, contemplating.  
  
Muran walks along, glancing around a bit nervously. She turns and sees the largest tent in the camp, then scrambles over to it cautiously.  
  
INTERIOR of the tent:  
  
Muran's head pops through at the bottom of the tent. She quickly surveys the area inside.  
  
A ravishingly beautiful (but overly made-up) Amazon queen paces angrily as she gets battle reports from her warriors.  
  
"We should be WINNING this thing," She hisses. "I paid Callisto to ensure that! How can our forces be losing?"  
  
"I know not, my queen," says the harsh-looking Amazon currently kneeling in front of her.  
  
"The second Callisto returns to the camp, you have her sent to my tent!"  
  
A foot stomps right next to Muran's head. She scrambles back, and an Amazon comes out of the tent and grabs her, dragging her back in.  
  
"Trouble!" Xena yells, and she and Gabrielle drop from the tree and head toward the camp.  
  
In the tent, the Amazon pulls Muran by the hair up to the queen. "Ow! Ow! Ow!" Muran calls out.  
  
The queen coldly regards her. "I don't remember you, child." "uh... I've been doing a lot of night work, cleaning tents and polishing weapons and all. You were probably asleep---"  
  
The queen's glare turns even more icy.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Muran sits in a wooden prison cell. A hooded Amazon approaches with a bowl of food.  
  
"I told you I wasn't hungry," Muran says angrily. "Just put the food bowl over here and leave me alone..."  
  
The figure lifts the hood. It is Xena. "Are you alright?"  
  
"Yes!" Muran looks around, worried she spoke too loudly, then whispers "I heard the queen talking about Callisto. Sounds like she'll be coming back to the camp soon."  
  
"Good. But first, I'll get you out of here---"  
  
Xena suddenly arches her neck straight.  
  
"You'll do no such thing," says a cold, bitter-sounding voice behind Xena.  
  
She spins, staggering. The Amazon queen stands there, a nasty-looking serrated-edged sword in one hand. In the other is a blowgun. Xena looks quickly at her shoulder, which has a feathered dart sticking out of it. She tries to reach for it, but her arms are leaden, and the room is spinning. A dozen Amazon warriors stand behind the queen, weapons ready.  
  
"Lovely little toxin, don't you think?" The queen says with a wicked smile.  
  
"Made from a berry that grows in the wilds of the Northlands. Don't worry, it's nothing permanent. It just makes it damned near impossible to move around. Give it seven or eight hours, and you'll be good as new. Unless, of course, you have an allergic reaction. Then, you might die."  
  
Xena seems to be in a daze, and is shoved into the prison cell. "You'll stay there until Callisto gets back," The queen hisses. "I've heard your reputation, Xena. Callisto says you've come close to beating her before."  
  
"I've done... a lot.... more.... than that," Xena says with great effort. The queen leaves, and the warriors turn to go as well. One hangs back.  
  
"I'll get you out as soon as I can," Gabrielle whispers, lifting the mask to show her face.  
  
"No... wait," Xena whispers hoarsely. "I have... an... idea..." Gabrielle leans in and listens as Xena whispers in her ear...  
  
CUT TO:  
  
The inn, late at night. Gabrielle rides up, on the back of Argo. She is exhausted, but determined to carry out her mission. She jumps off the horse and rushes into the inn's back door.  
  
She runs from room to room, then throws open the door to the innkeeper's bedroom and shakes her.  
  
"Where's Autolycus?" she asks.  
  
"Cellar," the innkeeper says with a yawn, then buries her head deeper in the pillows.  
  
Gabrielle runs to the cellar, unbolts the door and runs down the stairs.  
  
"Oh my," we hear her say. Then, resolutely, "Autolycus, come with me."  
  
"He's busy!" the short blonde's voice calls out.  
  
"I don't have time to argue!" Gabrielle re-emerges at the top of the cellar steps, dragging Autolycus behind her. He is tucking in his shirt. She turns and bolts the door, and there are several thumps against it from inside.  
  
Autolycus jumps to put his boots on as he follows Gabrielle. "What's going on?" he asks.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Argo trots toward the camp. Autolycus is holding the reins, and Gabrielle rides behind him, her arms around him tight. Her face is snuggled against his back, and she smiles dreamily.  
  
"Gabrielle, wake up!" Autolycus says. "We're here."  
  
She looks up and smiles sleepily. "Your muscles are so firm..." she pauses, then slaps herself in the face. "For the love of Zeus," she says. "I don't know how much longer I can resist this. Just go ahead with the plan."  
  
"Okay, but if I get killed, I'm holding you responsible."  
  
Autolycus rides up to Amazon sentries, who watch incredulously.  
  
"Who are you?" one sneers. "If you're bringing terms of surrender, fine. If not, you're dead where you stand... MAN." she practically snarls the last word.  
  
Autolycus hops off the horse. "Well, I'm not planning to surrender..."  
  
The woman drops her spear, as does the other sentry.  
  
The first sentry walks up to him, half-dazed. "Your eyes... they're so.. so... deep..." She kisses him.  
  
The second sentry grabs hold of his right arm. "He's mine!" she yells, trying to pull him away; "Mine!" the first sentry yells, pulling him by the left arm. The tug-of-war looks harsh enough to rip his arms out of their sockets.  
  
"Ladies, ladies!" he says. "There's enough of me to go around!"  
  
Other Amazons begin running to him. Gabrielle reaches down and gets a key chain off of one of the sentry's belts slips away.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Gabrielle sneaks up to the wooden prison cell. "It worked perfectly, Xena," she whispers, unfastening the door's lock. "As soon as they heard his voice, they started mobbing him."  
  
"I thought so," Xena says, stumbling out. She is still not 100 percent well, but is feeling a lot better. She looks around for a weapon. Not seeing one, she undoes part of a tent and takes one of its posts, holding it like a battle-staff. "That explains why the spell ... didn't effect us when we first saw him.... He has to speak first."  
  
They sneak past the tents. The Amazons continue fighting over him. The Amazon queen comes to see what is causing the ruckus. "Stop This! Stop it now!" The crowd parts, and she stares incredulously at Autolycus, who is on the ground with one of the sentries embracing him.  
  
"A man? That's what this brawl is about?" She snarls. "Kill him."  
  
She spins and starts to walk away.  
  
"I'd rather you didn't," Autolycus says.  
  
She turns. "On second thought, bring him to my tent!"  
  
The other Amazons look uncertain.  
  
"Or I'll skin you all alive!" She barks, and they drag him along behind the queen as she strides toward her tent.  
  
"We have to rescue him!" Muran says, worried.  
  
"They're not .. planning ... to HURT him," Xena says with a smirk.  
  
FADE OUT  
  
ACT FOUR  
  
FADE IN  
  
The Amazon warriors push Autolycus into the tent with the queen. He turns and smiles. She grins lecherously.  
  
"What's your name, man?" she asks. "Never mind, it doesn't matter." She lifts a whip from beside her throne.  
  
Autolycus is taken aback. "Um... I was thinking something more like dinner and dancing..." She walks towards him. "What is it with you Amazons and S&M?" he asks. She reaches out, stretching the whip around the back of his neck, and uses it to pull him close for a kiss.  
  
"Now, man, what can I do to satisfy you---"  
  
"Queen Ezira?" says a voice behind them. She looks up, annoyed. A woman with flowing light blonde hair stands in the doorway. She is clad in a spiked leather outfit. "Did I come at a bad time?"  
  
"Very bad, Callisto," the queen says. "Come back later."  
  
Autolycus looks back at Callisto and starts to speak, but the queen kisses him before he can.  
  
The woman steps back from the tent and turns around. She is face-to-face with Xena.  
  
"Hello, Callisto..." Xena starts, before she realizes... "You aren't Callisto!"  
  
The woman steps back. "Oh, yes, I am!" She reaches for the scabbard strapped to her back. Before she can pull the sword from it, Xena knocks her to the ground with the pole she is using as a staff.  
  
The woman starts to get up, and Xena uses the staff to pull her feet out from under her. Even in her still-weakened condition, Xena is more than a match for this opponent.  
  
"You're not even a good imposter," Xena continues. She bends down to the woman. "Let me guess... You're a two-dinar mercenary who thought she could get big profits pretending to be someone everyone knows is a dangerous warrior but few people have actually seen. Am I close?"  
  
The woman looks up hatefully. She tries to throw a punch, which Xena catches easily.  
  
"Don't make me laugh," Xena says nonchalantly, then punches the woman and knocks her back into a mud puddle.  
  
Xena steps over the woman and walks into the tent.  
  
The queen has dragged Autolycus onto the ground and is trying to grope him. "Time to go, Autolycus."  
  
Autolycus looks up and starts to speak.  
  
"Not one word," Xena says harshly. He nods, grins at the queen, and gets up, pulling his shirt back on.  
  
"And I'll take these, if you don't mind," Xena says, snatching up the blowgun and a cluster of blowdarts that lie on a table next to the throne. After they head out of the tent, the queen stares incredulously, then reaches for her serrated-edged sword and gets to her feet.  
  
By the time she gets out of the tent, there is no sign of Autolycus or Xena. The Callisto-impersonator is rubbing her head.  
  
"On your feet, Callisto," the queen growls. "You've got one more chance to earn your gold... If I can't have him, no woman will..."  
  
CUT TO:  
  
Xena and Autolycus run into the forest, where Muran and Gabrielle wait. Muran hugs Autolycus, and Gabrielle tries her best not to seeth with jealousy.  
  
"So what do we do now?" Gabrielle asks.  
  
"Leave," Xena says matter-of-factly. "Their 'Callisto' is an imposter... and a lousy fighter, too."  
  
"What about the war?" Gabrielle asks.  
  
"It won't last long," Xena says. "These Amazons are the dregs of the other tribes. They're nowhere near as good as they think."  
  
They turn to Argo and Haley, who are tied up to nearby trees. A shrill scream comes through the woods. The Callisto-impersonator runs toward them, waving her sword around. Xena rolls her eyes, arcs back, and swings the pole to knock the woman flat on her back.  
  
"Come back when you learn how to fight," She says to the woman as she climbs up on Argo, Gabrielle climbing on behind her. Autolycus and Muran get up on top of Haley.  
  
"See ya," Autolycus says over his shoulder as they ride off.  
  
'Callisto' stares incredulously. After a moment, the queen comes into the woods behind her. "The sentries heard noise!" she says. "Did you find my man?"  
  
'Callisto' turns. "YOUR man?" she asks incredulously, jealousy flaring in her eyes.  
  
As Haley and Argo trot off, the sounds of swords clattering against one another can be heard behind them.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
The temple.  
  
Xena, Gabrielle, Autolycus and Muran stand in front of the statuette to Aphrodite.  
  
"Aphrodite!" Xena calls out tersely. "Come here!"  
  
"I don't like your tone!" Aphrodite says as she appears in a burst of light.  
  
"Take the spell off Autolycus," Xena says.  
  
"Why should I? He 'dissed me."  
  
"He's learned his lesson," Gabrielle offers, trying to sound convincing. "I'm a changed man," Autolycus adds.  
  
Aphrodite turns to him, her eyes wide. "Say that again..." She says, walking closer.  
  
"I'm a changed---"  
  
Aphrodite grabs Autolycus and they disappear in a burst of light.  
  
Muran's jaw drops. "What NOW???"  
  
Xena crosses her arms. "I think Aphrodite's spell was a bit more powerful than even SHE thought."  
  
After a few seconds, Aphrodite and Autolycus re-appear.  
  
"Ahem," Aphrodite says, trying to regain her composure, "Sorry about that, lost my head for a minute. You're probably right, I should take the spell off." She waves her hands. "Speak," she says.  
  
"I'm afraid to," Autolycus says unsteadily.  
  
"Phew. Spell's broken. Well, later!" she disappears in a burst of light. Muran turns to Autolycus.  
  
"What happened when she grabbed you?" she asks.  
  
"Don't ask," he responds, half-dazed. They head out of the temple.  
  
"You weren't that unshaven this morning, were you?" Muran asks.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
The inn. Autolycus, now in untorn clothes and shaven back to his normal goateed look, sits at a table, sipping hot cider. Muran sits next to him.  
  
"Well, it's been... interesting," Xena says, packing provisions. "And I appreciate you not taking advantage of certain... situations."  
  
"Me too," Gabrielle adds. "See you later."  
  
"Always a pleasure," Autolycus says. "And maybe next time, my natural charms will--"  
  
"Don't push your luck," Xena says as she opens the door and starts to leave. "Oh, and take good care of the kid there."  
  
"If I have to," Autolycus grins, and Muran playfully elbows him.  
  
After a second, the door opens again. "Autolycus? You have visitors," Gabrielle says.  
  
Autolycus gets up and heads to the door.  
  
He opens it and sees four women standing there. Kessie slaps him, spins around and storms off. The short blonde does the same. And so does the trashy brunette.  
  
Autolycus rubs his cheek, and looks at Daphne. "Well, it's your turn," he says, resigned to another slap.  
  
"Actually, I still think you're kind of cute," she says shyly. "You know, Marilis is a lovely little village. If you're planning to stay a few more days, maybe I could show you some of the sites?"  
  
Autolycus glances back at Muran.  
  
"What do you think, kid? We could use a few days to rest before we travel on."  
  
"Whatever," Muran sighs, looking down at her cider. "But let's keep it calm, for a change?"  
  
"I'll do my best," Autolycus says, taking Daphne's hand and kissing it. He grins up at her, and she blushes. "My very best."  
  
FADE OUT.  
  
END CREDITS ROLL  
  
No hearts were broken in the making of this episode. 


End file.
